It's the end of the week but it's not the end of Branningeddon...
Tanya, Cora and long lost Ava stand around and we have the mandatory part where Ava finds out that she's Cora's daughter. Cora then wanders off with Tanya trying to talk to her but goodness, that didn't work too well! She heads home to hit the bottle and inevitably, Patrick has to reveal that he told Tanya about the long lost Ava.
Cora moans about the whole experience of having a secret child, given away to strangers at birth with all the emotion of someone describing a boring French trip from their schooldays with the bottom line being - her baby died, that woman is nothing to do with her... a sentiment so callous and stupid that it prompts Patrick to pull the "I've got a dead son (well, not really but it's complicated)" card.
Tanya and Ava have an awkward conversation which Lauren bursts in on but despite the fact she's obviously distressed, Tanya shoos her away so she and Ava can continue the awkward. Tanya starts babbling about her family before Ava turns the social unease to eleven by asking whether she would have returned. We don't get an answer to that, although the clear implication is a no.
Cora strides in and all but throws Tanya out the room so she can take her turn at an uncomfortable conversation with Ava. It's actually surprisingly restrained, the easy way to play this would have been the usual tearful hugs but there's just that disconnect between two people that only have their DNA in common... that doesn't make up for the fact it's so incredibly dreary but it makes a change from shouting and crying. A boring change.
For some reason, everyone on the Square seems to have forgotten about mobile phones today because Tanya barges into the caffffff asking if Patrick has seen Max, after this he sagaciously tells her that it's down to Cora and Ava to sort things out... Slight problem there, Ava has left and Cora is alone, crying in a darkened room!
In the dark and dingy love nest that is the car lot office, Joey - knowing that everyone in Walford is good at keeping secrets - immediately confesses that he faked his injuries as a means of getting Half-Day Alice away from their father. Lauren takes this deliberate piece of manipulation - made rather amusing by the fact Joey bemoans Derek's manipulation of Half-Day Alice - rather well though! Then they realise being cousins might prove somewhat problematic - especially as they both live with Max. However, even the flames of forbidden incestuous love can apparently be dampened by the grimness of the car lot, so the two decide to leave - having had a tryst in a suitably visible area.
Lauren then meets Derek in the warehouse and reveals that he knows she and Joey are shacking up and sets his menace to maximum when he tells her that he needs to see Joey at the car lot OR ELSE. Meanwhile, Joey has made the classic Eastenders mistake of assuming the volume equals drama... both he and Half-Day Alice look as if they're considering acting... but don't worry, they don't. Joey is going on about how the Hogfather is awful and used to beat their mother but Half-Day Alice (despite having only met her father a few months ago and having repeatedly been shown that he is little more than a thuggish criminal who will lie to her face repeatedly) is just too stupid to see sense.
Lauren, having received no help from her mother, decides the best plan is to remember that she's a problem drinker! So, this being a time when she needs help from her friends (Lucy and Twitney), what else would happen but the topic turns to Joey and it takes less than a minute for a "fight" to break out! Broken up after about five seconds by Joey RUNNING into the Vic - say what you like about his mono-expression he clearly has some kind of Spidey sense!
This prompts Lauren to choose Joey over Twitney and Skeletor - proving Skeletor doesn't understand the importance of FFFAAAAAAMMMMMLEEEEEE! Lauren then tells Joey that Derek is onto them and that their romance is doomed - goodness, this is getting to be a bit of a love story for the ages! Joey's solution to this is - predictably - running away... although, as it's running away from Walford, it's a good plan.
Hilarity ensues when Lauren returns home asking her mother if she can talk again, which leads to her mother being extremely dismissive and even asking why people never ask her how she is - it would seem Tanya has forgotten the whole cancer flu incident where Lauren was sworn to secrecy FOR NO REASON. Lauren packs her bags and Joey steals car keys from Derek.
As this wouldn't be Eastenders without monstrous stupidity, Joey makes sure to honk the horn repeatedly to attract the attention of Derek - who does not look best pleased. The two talk about their escape from Walford and how it's "like a film". So... with this happily ever all but a foregone conclusion, Lauren looks at the radio dial for about a minute and shockingly CRASHES! Truly, this is our generation's Romeo & Juliet!
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