Having just been involved in a serious car accident, Joey immediately gets on his phone to call the emergency services. Oh, wait no. How stupid of me, that would have been the LOGICAL thing to do. No, he gets out the car and when he can't open Lauren's door, he smashes the window open with an iron. Just as well Alice calls him up! So he can tell her to call the police and ambulance! Oh but wait, even when we cut back to her a few minutes later - she has just watched her father kick down the door to the car lot and make off in one of their car, taking just long enough to remind her to call the ambulance... Why wouldn't that be something you'd do IMMEDIATELY!? Or why doesn't Joey take the thirty seconds to do it?
The big galoot had the presence of mind to tell Alice about it when she called him and he must know that brains aren't exactly what the Branning clan are known for and that his sister especially has a brain that is on a half-day! Why not go with the old stand-by of having the phone not get any reception or have it be damaged? Oh, right because we want the Hogfaher to drive off there and for the police/fire/ambulance people to arrive after they'd have served any purpose but wait, the idiocy is even GREATER because Derek apparently takes Half-day Alice's phone... So, we have four people that know about this car crash and zero people that have dialled 999.
Oh and as this is a car accident in Eastenders - it takes less than thirty seconds for there to be flames licking out from under the bonnet of the car. How or why this is even physically possible is never explained but is it possible this car is going to explode as if it was made out of nitroglycerine? As surely as if this was an episode of Mythbusters!
As soon as Lauren is out of the car, they make their way toward the (predictably locked) fire exit - looking around to see that the top of the METAL CAR is burning as if was made of petrol soaked shellsuits and children's toys and this is after about thirty seconds! Before anything sensible - like trying to kick down the fire exit - can be undertaken, Derek arrives on the scene to stand in front of the shop. Conveniently for the purposes of heightened drama, this strange shop has been constructed in such a way that smashing through the front causes a massive obstruction - this certainly ought to give people thinking of ramraids food for thought!
Somewhat disappointingly, Joey and Lauren are both helped out by Derek mere moments before something completely unexpected happens. The car explodes as if it was made out of nitroglycerine! There goes the budget for the rest of the year! Having just almost died, Joey and Lauren hold hands as they lay on the ground. D'aww!
Derek - showing a surprising presence of mind - advises the two that they need to leave and given the fact that this is Walford where the police will turn down people offering full murder confessions and apparently there are no repercussions for running off from a very expensive wedding without paying - it doesn't seem as if they'd have to worry about any follow up on it but managing to totally negate the advice, Derek then spends about two minutes asking Lauren if she was drinking (despite it being obvious she had been) as the police get closer... why didn't they just drive off?
Having insured that they'll all get their collars felt for this accident, Derek tells Joey that he'll have to take the fall as Lauren would go to prison for drink driving. So, Joey just rolls with that and says he swerved to avoid a dog (as you do) but having just escaped a potentially fatal car crash AND fire AND lied to the police, it's time for some family time at the hospital!
Lauren decides that now is the best time to reveal to her mother not only that she was the one driving the car when it crashed (and that she was over the limit AND that she lied to the police at Derek's behest), she decides to just throw out the revelation that she and Joey are in love!
Similarly, Derek having saved the pair says that Joey and he are now going to be the best of friends and that he'll tell Alice about his deception. As one might guess, Joey is not overly fond of eating humble pie to whit Derek responds that if he doesn't, he'll tell the police she was driving and they'd have to breathalyze her. He then goes on to make similar threats to Tanya... Uh, there's just one problem with your master plan there Hogfather, in a few hours that alcohol will be out of her system and then you've got nothing except the allegation with precisely no evidence to back it up. So, this is like threatening someone with a knife made of ice in a boiler room but somehow Tanya and Joey (both being massively stupid) think this is a credible threat and Joey breaks it off with Lauren and is so upset, he almost changes his facial expression. Almost.
In the Square, Cora and Tanya have a friendly chat about the long lost sister, where Cora tells her non-lost daughter to shut up and keep her nose out of it. We cover old ground until Tanya says that Cora abandoned Ava which results in a slap. Sadly, this isn't the end of it with Cora drearily droning on about how her emotional distance is all down to having abandoned Ava - yawn! What tediously trite writing. Yes, for a young mother to be forced to give away her child is going to scar her but guess what? Lots of people make mistakes or have bad things happen to them - it doesn't give you carte blanche to be a bitch and yet somehow Tanya doesn't call her on this, she just weeps... perhaps she's realised how incredibly stupid she is?
Having not been QUITE enough of a bitch, Cora goes home to see Patrick standing on her doorstep and lets him inside for just long enough to tell him that she never wants to see him again. Then she disposes of the keepsake from Ava to round it out. They worked pretty hard at making someone who gave away a child utterly unsympathetic but all credit to them, they managed! Wait, that's probably a bad thing. Oops but the Crayon Crew excel in nothing if not abject failure at understanding even the basic elements of storytelling.
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