Friday 7 December 2012

Friday 7th December 2012

Alfie is looking out the window at the misery of the Square - complete with an ugly and non-functional reindeer decoration at the Branning house and a magically re-appeared Michael Moon (aka Count Moonula). This leads to Kat referring to herself as a peasant... truer words were ne'er spoken.

Some sagacious financial advice from Alfie - never pay any bills until they are red... clearly, he's unaware that you can still accrue substantial additional charges by virtue of late payments and that final demands are usually more about a last chance to pay what you owe before you get dragged off to court... This piece of apocrypha dispensed, he finds a piece of the slip from the pawn brokers... The hamster is running again.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur is helping Alfie sell stuff in the Vic and apparently has to get back to the stall... then why are they selling stuff in the Vic? Count Moonula rolls in and Alfie has a look at that slip from the pawn brokers again. The hamster is going faster!

He walks in to overhears Kat on the phone saying loving things and that hamster is going faster than Usain Bolt now - so despite her saying that it's her father... he checks the phone and finds out... IT'S HER FATHER! Oh but she's going with COUNT MOONULA! The hamster hasn't stopped yet. It's going so fast that Alfie can't process Arfuuuuuuuur's news that there is now fake snow!

Jacknocchio - still vexed by his woman problems - carelessly says that women always let you down... Something that keeps the hamster in Alfie's brain ticking over... let's hope that he's got it properly fed and watered! To add to this (hopefully literal) food for thought, Count Moonula says that you have to take advantage of women before they take advantage of you!

For no reason, Alfie is going through Kat's drawers - always the best place to hide things from people you're living with - and discovers the ring that Kat had bought back for her by the Phantom Shagger. Fortunately, the episode ends before we can hear the screeching of the hamster as the wheel it's in becomes white hot and starts to sear flesh.

Lauren intercepts a letter for her cousin! Which requires him to come round and pick it up - due to plot convenience! OHOH! It's a court summons! He has to scarper when Max returns, enquiring about a replacement for his defective reindeer.

Still looking at his court summons, Joey goes to the caffffff and there's Half-Day Alice - moaning about how she wants Joey to spend Christmas with her and the Hogfather... so, what is your mother going to do? Children can be so cruel, eh?

He returns to the Branning residence (after they have received their very tacky reindeer, talked about Tanya's cancer flu) with a bottle in hand. Prompting Lauren and Tanya to eavesdrop on the conversation between Max and Joey. Max is getting married on CHRISTMAS EVE - what could possibly go wrong?! Anyway, to make sure he properly incurs the wrath of the vengeful gods (or whatever they might be) that watch over Walford - Max makes sure to go on at some length about how great his family is and how great his Christmas is going to be (sans Joey).

Seriously, in Eastenders terms this is like walking up to Thor (or the deity of your choosing), telling him you copulated with his mother, that his genitals are so small, they're not visible to the naked eye and that they're pretty sure a blind cripple could beat him in a fight and then just walking off.

Despite the fact she could drink in the Vic, Lauren (and Skeletor) then go to the club... and it being a Friday... it's pretty dead. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE! Joey apologises to Skeletor and apparently this immediately leads to her being amiable to offers of sex! They go straight home - despite the fact Joey was working - and then Joey can't go through with it because he loves Lauren! DUN DUN DUN!

He then goes to stand at the front door of the Branning house, ticks the "plead guilty at court" part of his form from earlier and punches the nose off the tacky reindeer... as that's electrical, that's stupid AND dangerous. TWOFER!

Sharon is at the club (goodness, two days in a row!) and then Jack appears and she asks if he doesn't have a  drafty warehouse, sorry "gym" to run... goodness, if this keeps up it might appear as if these people have to work for a living! Jack wants to celebrate (WITH LUNCH!) and then decides for no reason, that Shirley was right and that this was all a plan for him to steal the *ahem* "lovely" Sharon from him... apparently, that puts her right off her food.

She's moving her stuff out of Phil's place - what with the faux engagement being off - and Lola sees this and suddenly has a shouty, teary breakdown... wow, she's taking the pretend break-up harder than expected! She storms off but Sharon finds her at the cafffffffffff, where Lola begs her to go back to faking a relationship.

An unimpressed Shirley watches as Sharon offers hollow words of encouragement and when Sharon leaves, makes sure to take the time to tell the vulnerable and emotional single teenage mother that the pretend break-up of the fake relationship spells the end of Phil's attempt to reclaim her child from the SS Officers OF ZE SOCIAL! Who are probably already teaching baby Lexi how to goose step and salute the Fuhrer if the mindset of the Crayon Crew has remained even vaguely similar since she was abducted.

Lola and Shirley stop by the club and Sharon is somehow expected to know whether ZE SOCIAL are going to let Lola keep Lexi... Uh, why would she know? She's no more likely to know than anyone else and then she says that both she and Shirley loved Phil - so he must be a good person. Resisting the temptation to Godwin that... has she never heard of an abusive relationship? Hell, Shirley was with Phil when he was on crack - it's more a testament to the fact love exists outside reason and logic than to any inherent goodness.

Fortunately, Shirley says that's all nonsense and Lola runs off crying. She also points out that Phil is going to exploit the vulnerable Lola but is rebuffed with the promise that she and Phil are going to look out for Lola... DUN DUN DUN!

The conversation starts to feel a little surreal as Shirley joins Lola in the caffffff (again), after Lola has shouted at Poxy for having TWO babies, when she has none... it just seems no conversation can be entirely conducted in one location! The grizzled Shirley tells Lola that Phil isn't the answer

The recently lobotomised Denise is - having taken some advise from Ian and Cora - is apparently now planning a DIABOLICAL BUSINESS SCHEME, in a storyline that will challenge many people's will to live. Ian is horrified when Ray wheels a FRUIT 'N' VEG stand outside and it's going to be Caribbean style because... uh, don't ask relevant questions!

The ginger whinger Bianca and her formerly hat wearing son Liam are discussing their wretched Christmas tree again... With Bianca turning down offers of help from Liam and saying she'll get it herself. Then we see Derek in the kitchen AGAIN - are we sure he's not living in there. Liam - showing he's not quite as stupid as his father - says Derek could just buy them a tree, prompting shouting between the Ginger Whinger and Misery Guts Carol.

She comes into the caffffffff later, bemoaning that she has enough tips to buy a twig and her Misery Guts mum, always sympathetic... says she shouldn't have made a promise she couldn't keep... or perhaps she could just have accepted some of the money people offered her? More moaning, more whinging... Bianca is starting to give Billy Mitchell a run for his money in the pathetic loser stakes and that takes some doing!

OH! But they got a tree anyway and she gets to hug her kids - aww.

As there isn't enough pointlessness going on - Kim and Ray talk about rings... why is this man with a woman who has the mental age of a toddler? It's surely only a matter of time until we have a hard hitting storyline about the SS Officers of ZE SOCIAL taking Kim into care!

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